Beauty and the Borderline

A Journey towards Integration

Welcome to Beauty and the Borderline

At the beginning of summer 2010, I was hospitalized and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I’ve been “troubled” for much of my life, so the diagnosis wasn’t very surprising, but accepting that I have a personality disorder has not been easy.  Around the time I was diagnosed, I also got pregnant.  Amid much emotional turbulence (as is the norm for people with BPD) I delivered a healthy, beautiful son in 2011.  As life-changing as that was, I was unable to control my emotions, and during a bad period shortly thereafter I was arrested for assaulting my partner.

Shortly after I was arrested and released on bail, my partner, myself, and our young son moved to live in my parents’ basement for legal reasons (my father was my guarantor).  I took a 15-week step-down course in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy at the local hospital.  I applied and was accepted into Ontario Shores’ Borderline Personality Self-Regulation Clinic in 2012 after being waitlisted for eight months.  The Clinic offers counselling and behavioural skills training using Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for one year.

This blog about having, living with, and coping with BPD.  I have tried CBT, talk therapy (albeit with counsellors unskilled in dealing with BPD), medications, various New Age self-help therapies, and I am currently in a skills training course of DBT.  I will chronicle my experiences learning and using DBT skills and principles, as well as any meds I try (legal and illegal) and other therapies.  I hope to offer as complete a picture I can of my successes and failures, both for myself and for the people who love and care for me.

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3 comments on “Welcome to Beauty and the Borderline

  1. Living with BPD
    January 24, 2013

    Thank you for sharing your journey – I will follow with interest 🙂 xx

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  2. Shauna
    April 10, 2013

    I also have had legal problems from my anger outbursts directed towards my partner/partners. I too am in DBT classes. I have noticed they have helped me a lot. I do still have that fear of my anger. I hate how one day I love him and the next I despise the air he breathes. That is still the hardest thing for me. I am glad I found your blog. Thank you for sharing.

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  3. Beauty Borderline
    April 10, 2013

    @Shauna: I still have terrible outbursts of anger towards my partner, but I have learned to not assault him (thank you, DBT!). I can usually try some dialectical thinking and radical acceptance (with a healthy dose of Distress Tolerance to get past the bad parts) but occasionally I still have “outbursts” when triggered.

    For example, getting sick is a huge trigger for me, and on Monday night I got sick — food poisoning the likely culprit. I managed to hang on to my growing irritation with my Prince as I watched him not clean up after himself or our son, and, to my eyes then, exhibit a careless attitude towards our boy. Tuesday night he slept on the couch after I yelled at him that he was a “filthy, disgusting pig” among other things.

    Wednesday, this morning, after he dropped off our son at daycare, I let him have it. I yelled loud enough for the neighbours to hear and call the police (luckily they didn’t). I hammered on the bathroom door when he locked himself in, and now I have purple bruises on my hands and wrists. I screamed pure venom at him, and demanded, extorted from him a promise to listen.

    But a miracle happened (the relationship kind, not the religious kind). I said (yelled), “Please please LISTEN TO ME!! And DON’T TALK!” I pleaded with him. And he stopped talking, and he listened, and I spewed forth this hideous poison, screaming how much I HATE him, and then I began to calm down as I explained my reasons (many of which, examining it later, were examples of transference).

    And then we talked and he hugged me, a nice romantic ending. But it’s not the end. I usually feel utterly worthless and suicidal after an outburst, although this time I tried to radically accept having BPD and to NOT judge my self or my actions, which really helped with getting on with my day.

    Still, both me and the Prince are feeling sensitive and fragile this evening. Like any normal person, yelling alarms and scares him, and naturally he doesn’t like to be insulted. I feel guilty and ashamed. (But a very small part of me is still very, very angry…)

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